7. The Lonely "M"

I made it! It’s been a bit of a shock. A few days ago I was surrounded by family and friends – going away party after going away party – feeling the love. The day I left, I kept thinking, this is the day I move to Europe. Today is the day I’ve been talking about for a year! It became part of my identity. Whenever I was introduced to anyone, they would say, “She’s moving to Dublin to go to grad school.” Yesterday, I finally did it! I arrived in Dublin and temporarily moved in to a cold, empty house that belongs to my former boss at Taproom. Don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate having a free place to stay, but it has definitely been more than a little depressing. Big changes can be depressing at the beginning, but I think once I find a place to live and school starts, I’ll be great. I’m just trying to accept and be aware of my feelings and not get too down in the dumps because I know that things won’t be so lonely very soon.

This transition makes me think about why I wanted to move in the first place. Some people never make a big move in their lives. That’s what I kept thinking as I said goodbye to everyone – I don’t have to do this. I felt so sad to leave everyone and the city I love so much, but I kept thinking, “This is a good idea, right?” Even though I’m alone and not having a good time right now, I still know it’s a good idea. If I’m still feeling like this in 6 months, it might be a problem, but I don’t think I will.

It’s so strange doing things that make me feel like I live here instead of like I’m on vacation. Yesterday, I bought a cell phone. Something like learning how to use a new phone instead of my iPhone makes me feel like I really live here. The sad thing is I don’t have any contacts to put in it. I can’t transfer anything because I’ll never use it to call any American numbers. It seems temporary and permanent at the same time, but I guess that’s how everything about this move is going to feel. Today, I bought a hair dryer and a bus card. I feel like I’m preparing myself for a little life here. A year in Europe keeps switching back and forth in my head from feeling like no time at all to forever. The two things I’m getting used to are the weather and the food, but not in the way you might be thinking. I knew it would be a little chilly and rainy, but I’ve noticed that everyone around me is wearing short sleeves. I’ve been trying to fit in by not wearing a big coat, just a sweater. Also, I’ve realized how much I used to depend on eating the same things all the time. In New York I ate the same things from the same places every day. I feel lost without San Loco, the bibimbop deli, and steamed fish at home. Before I left, Hayley told me about how studying abroad is like an M or a W, with the emotional low points and peaks. That helps me to think about now, as I’m starting out in the lonely beginning of the M. I know I’ll get to the top, sooner than later, though! So, hopefully it’s more like a lower case m…

Here are some pictures to commemorate my last week in NYC:

Last MGNYC Meeting... for a little while

Ready to Party!

Cousin-Love

We are family!

That's the biggest smile I could muster at the airport.

6. 1000 Things to do Before you Move from New York to Dublin

In my last days as a New Yorker, I have set so many goals for myself, all at various degrees of priority: spend time with friends and family, practice banjo, finish my scrapbook from last year, crochet as much as possible to empty a bag full of yarn, get rid of as much clothing as possible - again, exercise, look up class info, register, browse apartments and rooms online that will definitely be unavailable by the time I get there, cancel my phone, and, finally, do and see every NYC attraction I've been meaning to do for six years. The list goes on as my premature silver hairs creep up with more and more frequency - and I don't mean that as a figure of speech, I actually have several greys - which reminds me to schedule a hair appointment with my mom...

I have always wanted to ride The Cyclone at Coney Island. I have come to the conclusion that I don't really like rollercoasters. I get scared and I don't like being upside down. I took a trip to Six Flags a few months ago and I spent the day with my eyes closed, upside down, imagining the ride to be over. I went on every rollercoaster in the park that day. Anyway, I wanted to try just one more - to see if I would like it - and so if anyone asks me if I went to Coney Island and rode The Cyclone when I lived in New York, I could give them a first-hand account. It turned out to be really fun.

Next on my list was an outdoor movie in my favorite park, Bryant Park. And not just any movie. They were playing All About Eve. The weather was perfect and we sat right in the middle and right in the front! It was amazing how everyone lined up at the edge of the lawn like a race. When they announced that the lawn was finally open, we all ran for the best spots. I love seeing classic films on the big screen. I thought it was so cute how everyone in the crowd clapped when certain stars came on the screen (Bette Davis and Marilyn Monroe) and how people booed when Eve's diabolical plan came to fruition. I thought about people watching this movie in theaters when it came out in 1950 and I pictured them having the same reactions. Every once in a while, it's nice to be part of a crowd, when for the most part, it's something I try to avoid. As I watched, I took a minute to look behind me at the huge crowd staring up from their blankets and I looked up at the buildings and the night sky. It was beautiful. At that moment, I felt like I was saying my first goodbyes to New York City. 

At least double this amount of people showed up by the time the movie started.

My View

The thing I've been thinking about as I prepare to leave is that things will go on in the places I once was. I used to work at Taproom. I walked up and down that restaurant thousands of times, but I won't do that anymore - other people will. I sat on my big blanket and watched All About Eve and looked up at the sky. I went to the library and walked through the aisles. I lived in rooms and apartments, here. Now, I won't be doing that anymore. It's such a strange feeling to take a moment to look around while you're in a situation and think about what the same place will be like when you're not in it, anymore. I'm not dying, but I will be a ghost like that, in those places, if only in my own memory. It's not a sad thing really, but for some reason, it makes me feel sad to look back on my life at this turning point. I only have a week left in New York and I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time.

Yikes - on a lighter note. I finished my scrapbook and I've been practicing banjo and I register for classes tomorrow. I have my Mean Girls dinner tomorrow night (more on my gang, later), my going away party, my family brunch, and lots more to do before the big move. So, stay tuned...

The pictures below also represent the several hours between pre- and post-PJ's. Anyone who knows me knows I love my lounge wear.

I'm learning bluegrass-style 3-finger picking - so hard!

Finally! Putting the last page in place of my Eurotrip 2011 scrapbook.

5. Back Home Again in Indiana

Every summer, for the last (at least) 20 years, I have gone to the Indiana State Fair. It's tradition and the pork burgers and frozen bananas are to die for! It happens every August and it's always a relief to get out of the city and travel to the only other place that still feels like home. I'm especially emotional about the fair in all of it's Hoosier glory because, for the first time in 20 years, I'll miss next year's fair. So, this year, I ate all I could, drank the best chocolate milk in the world (Have I mentioned I drink chocolate milk at least once every couple days? It's delicious. - can't get enough), bought a couple souvenirs and, finally, thought about the culture of Indiana.

After catching some cow-judging, eating a pork burger, petting a calf, eating a cup o' corn, admiring the cutest teeny tiny piglets, eating a mozzarella stick, being amazed at the newest addition to the fried food booth (fried bubblegum - not kidding), and eating a frozen banana, I started to make some observations about the people at the fair. These are real-deal actual farmers and country folk Hoosiers looking for a fried Twinkie and a good time. It would be easy to judge just by looking around, but instead, everything seemed charming, in a way. For example, I saw this larger guy walking around with a double corndog - yes, I mean one hot dog on top of another hot dog all inside one ultimate, extreme corndog. He just looked so happy and at home - like a little kid. No one was looking at him like that corndog was a bad idea or even noticing him at all. He just looked really content and excited to eat it. So, instead of judging him, I felt happy that he was in a place that he fit in, you know? I even wanted him to eat the corndog.

I've been thinking about where I'm from and where I would like to live after I come back to the U.S. next year. For example, someone from Texas sees some Texas decor: steer head skull thing, a horseshoe, Texas flag, a picture of the Alamo? etc. and they have certain associations because where you're from is part of your identity. I will never identify with Texas decor because I'm not from there. I would be hesitant to move to the south because I wouldn't want to feel like an outsider, forever. I guess people just get over it or continue to live wherever they were born. - So, I guess I'll get over it.

Pork Burger Love

They had a whole Italy thing set up (I don't know why) complete with costumes and back drop. My death scene.

Where else would I ever get to pet a calf?

I wanted to sneak one in to my purse...

#1 Dad

The worst part of the trip, and the only bad part, was saying goodbye to my dad. It was sad and I'll miss him while I'm abroad. I'm trying not to overplay all my goodbyes because I'll see all the people I care about, again. When I told everyone my big plan to move to Dublin and go to grad school, people kept saying how brave I am. At the time, I didn't see how moving was so brave because I had done it before - no big deal. Now, as my impending move approaches, I'm getting a little scared. The big realization and the scariest part is that I will be getting on the plane alone and no one in the whole country where I'll be landing will be waiting for me. I am the one who made this big plan and I am the one who will be leaving everyone and everything, here. Even though I know it will be the best time ever, now I know I will have to be brave to move out of New York and into the great European unknown!